I must admit to a certain amount of skepticism, when I first heard about your church – after all, there are a lot of crackpot religions out there! But then I began to read your pamphlet, and a strange feeling came over me that this was what I had been looking for all my life!
I think perhaps that it was the sudden realization that however unworthy I may be, the Flying Spaghetti Monster loves me! At the same time a lot of things became clear to me.
All the intricate workings of the universe and my place in it – it suddenly made sense! And I remembered something that Einstein once said, even though I can’t remember exactly what it was.
But then I came to the part where you say that you’re opposed to dogma. How can you have a religion without dogma?
How can you be right, if others aren’t wrong, or a good person, if others aren’t bad? I’ve always considered myself a good, loving person.
I really hate bad people! Don’t you?
To think that you can be so obstinately wicked that you reject the Flying Spaghetti Monster Our Savior. Such people have forfeited the right to the life that He gave them, if you ask me.
I fully agree with you that we should try to be tolerant. But these people aren’t tolerant!
When I tell them about the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the deep feelings I have for Him, they just laugh. Don’t you think that we should respect other people’s feelings?
These people are evil. They tell me that there’s no proof that the Flying Spaghetti Monster even exists.
But nor is there any proof that He doesn’t, is there? That always shuts them up!
I would like my children to learn about the Flying Spaghetti Monster in school so that they may form their own opinion. Is that really too much to ask?
It’s all well and good to be tolerant, but just look what all that tolerance has led to! Do you really think there would be so much crime and drug abuse, if children had been taught about the Flying Spaghetti Monster at an early age?
And then it suddenly struck me. Are these people really serious about their faith?
Or have they been seduced by the Grounded Spaghetti Monster? Funny, I don’t think you even mentioned him.
Haven’t you realized what is going to happen to you, if your belief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster isn’t strong enough? Have you ever had cold spaghetti?
Well, what do you think it will be like to spend eternity in an enormous bowl of the slimy stuff? Maybe you should think about that before it’s too late!
But then again, maybe it’s already too late for you. I really thought a lot about this, and in the end I asked the Flying Spaghetti Monster for guidance.
And lo, the heavens opened like a bottle of ketchup, and a voice came to me, saying: “Fear not, my son, for thou hast been chosen to found Ye True Church of Ye Flying Spaghetti Monster!” And so I did, and my first official act will be to excommunicate all you nonbelievers.
Just look at that logo of yours! Don’t you know that the Flying Spaghetti Monster has expressly forbidden “any graven image or logo” of his ineffable majesty?
Blasphemers! Cursed and hacked be your computer site and all the blogs thereon!
Signed Erwin Neutzsky-Wulff,
Holy Father of the True Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,
Please note: If you should wish to repent, there is a small entrance fee of 300 dollars to cover postage and handling.
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